Sometimes you just need a good cry.

So I had a mental breakdown last night. It completely came out of nowhere. I had been thinking about it in my head for a while and I think I had been too afraid to say anything out loud.

I'm scared about my relationship. I have been going through a period of doubts. Not about our feelings for eachother, but just about our strength and our endurance. Do I really want to stick it out? Wouldn't it just be easier (and cheaper) to end it right now before it gets too hard?

I am madly in love with JDC. It's not about that. The feeling of not having him in my life makes my heart hurt. But this distance makes me feel like he really isn't IN my life. The longer we are apart, the more we lead separate existences. And that's shitty.

I've decided I can't get ahead of myself. Take it one day at a time. JNC said it best when she told me this period of time is the most vulnerable I will ever be. There's so much uncertainty and we really can't see straight until the dust settles on our new reality.

There is no end in sight. This distance will continue for years, until someone makes a move. Literally. But that thinking does nothing for me. When I think just about tomorrow, I think that's only four more days until the next time I get to see my boy. And that way of thinking makes me feel a whole lot better.

Can I copy and paste from someone else?

I have 3 blog posts. That sucks. I want to pretend like I've been doing this for a lot longer so I'm going to follow suit with all the other cool kids I know who blog and take up space with a survey. (I'm not mocking, I genuinely really like taking surveys.)

One Word Survey

Where is your mobile phone? Eh?
Where is your significant other? Mexico
Your hair colour? Ick
Your mother? Loving
Your father? Independent
Your friends? Hysterical
Your favourite thing? Laughing
Your dream last night? Sad
Your ultimate goal? Adventure
Your fear? Loneliness
The room you're in? Colorful
What is overrated? Work
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Accomplished
Where were you last night? Boozing
What you're not? Perfect
One of your wish-list items? Reassurance
Where you grew up? Australia
The last thing you did? Thanksgiving
What are you wearing? Sweats
Your TV? Boxy
Your pets? Amusement
Your computer? Gigantic
Your mood? Confused
Missing someone? Always
Favourite word? Mer
Something you're not wearing? Headgear
Favourite shop? DSW
Your summer? Speedy
Love someone? Profoundly
Your favourite colour? Turquoise
When is the last time you laughed? Tonight
When is the last time you cried? Bedtime

Reunited and it feels so good...

So it's been a while. I know. I've left Iowa, graduated from college, moved home, started my first job, quit my first job, started another "first job", blah blah. Now, here I am, settling in quite nicely. From April to November, life has been a rollercoaster. I've had some emotional ups and downs navigating my goals and purpose for life after college. I can honestly say, I have NO idea what the future is planning to throw at me.

When I encounter that extreme uncertainty of the future, I've found I do best when I look back into my past to see how I've changed. Since college has ended, I've really been able to take a look at who I surround myself with. It's easy to see I have amazing friends, an extremely supportive family and for the past year, a partner I couldn't be happier about.

What I also realized is that I've had some pretty awesome people in my past that are no longer around for whatever reason. Since my move back to MN, I've reconnected with one of these people. One of my absolute best friends in high school was there for me every step of the way. Even though we were almost entirely different in personality, we found ourselves double dating every weekend with our respective high school boyfriends and quickly became close.

When she went to college a year before me, we lost touch. We had separate lives and I don't think we knew how to find common ground anymore. It was scary, but never awkward, coming back 5 years later to a friend I realized I kinda don't know anymore. She's changed and I've changed, but we've been able to acknowledge it and move on.

It's refreshing to know things don't always have to end badly. When I have ended friendships because I've felt they were toxic, it weighs on me. I had many times wondered if Molly thought I was a bad person or thought I had thrown our friendship away. It has brought me some sort of peace to know we have successfully reconnected and we're picking up where we left off. It's made me happy to know she still loves me and wants me in her life.

I want to continue to surround myself with people who make me feel good. In a time where I feel like my life can be whatever I want it to be, that's all I know.

So this could be my life...

Two nights ago John and I went the big "spouses/girlfriends" Air Force meeting. John had brought up this meeting and invited me to come over a month ago and ever since I have been dealing with a constant anxiety about what this meeting could mean for us. The minute marriage and the whole husband and wife thing comes up, I feel a genuine itchy sensation. No, not like a good itch (is there really such a thing as a good itch?). More like "Oh my god, I can't breathe because I feel claustrophobic in my own skin!" itch. It's not that I am uncomfortable with the idea of being married; I just know I have so many other things I want to do before that time in my life. Let's just say I'm not ready, and I know John isn't either. So it seemed like a big step to be going to meeting where we would be forced to talk about what life would be like if we are still together five, ten, years from now.

Anyway, the meeting went really well. Neither of us cried, had an anxiety attack, or ended the relationship so that was good. It was basically just a question and answer session with John's Captain and his wife (who is coincidentally originally from Bloomington as well...of course, I think this is a sign in some way). They helped clear up a lot of misconceptions for me, and generally painted a very happy picture of the Air Force lifestyle. Among the highlights (or lowlights, whatever your perspective):

1. AF personnel generally get a new assignment every 3-4 years
2. AF personnel are generally required to travel on various missions adding up to what would equal a 4 month deployment every two years
3. The military hooks you up hardcore with benefits!
4. There is an AF "Wife Handbook" and and "Officer's Wives Club." FYI: How to properly serve tea and write formal correspondence to other spouses is covered in the handbook. Thank god.
5. Finding a job with every move sucks. But if you want a career, you can make it happen. (You just have to deal with the fact that you will never be in one job for more than a few years.)

Needless to say, the highlights/lowlights would mean drastically changing my "pre-John life plan." I'm currently digesting the information and pretending like I don't really have to deal with these huge life decisions.

Seriously, how genius is this title?

Did you really expect me (a celeb gossip, techno music loving PR chick) to have an intelligent sounding blog? :) Yea, me either.

I've been thinking about starting a blog for over a year now. I wanted to have one when I went to Australia to record all of the wild experiences I planned on having, but the beach clearly became more of a priority than typing on a computer. Then, when I got back, I thought my life was too boring to have a blog...I live in Ames; what do I have to write about that anyone would voluntarily want to hear about?!

I'm determined though. I've decided that it's not about where I live that determines how interesting my life experiences are. (I'm so profound!) Sure, if I was MOB and venturing around rural Africa, roaming with lions, I would have some pretty sweet stories. But even living in small town Iowa, I have managed to find myself in several intriguing situations (Ahem, crazy roommates...take your pick of which one in the past four years). So hopefully, someone will find me mildly amusing and make me feel cool by reading my blog.

In the legendary words of DJ KOOL, "I hope ya don't mind, let me clear my throat!" (I mean really, how perfect is this blog title?)

Editor's Note: Yes, there is already a blog titled "Let Me Clear My Throat" as well as "Clear My Throat." Therefore, the editor had to settle for a slightly ambiguous web address. On an unrelated note, the editor apologizes in advance for future rants including those about jobs, men, politics and annoying people.